*sigh*
I know there was no ill intent with this question, however I feel so deeply that ANZAC Day is not just another "day off".
Having a public holiday for ANZAC Day allows the majority of Australia to attend ANZAC Day ceremonies across our beautiful nation, and enjoy these freedoms fought for us by so many.
Perhaps it is due to my having lost several great grand-members of family in battle, none any older than I am today. Perhaps I feel so strongly with knowing what is given up and foregone when our loved ones are deployed. I have some beautiful friends who are still in active service to Australia, and I know it is difficult for them as well as their partners, families and friends each time they are sent away. And when they come back, are they ever the same people after seeing the horrors of real conflict?
The public holiday allows me to contemplate my life as a free Australian, for the sacrifices made by so many women and men over our rich past, and for those serving and defending our great nation currently.
I made several batches of Anzac biscuits yesterday and considered a life of having to cater for a family using simple rations, accepting the shortages and discomforts whilst supporting the troops.
Yes, how we spend the day as individuals is up to us, but I do not believe ANZAC Day is "a day off".
Wednesday, April 25, 2018
Thursday, May 1, 2014
When in doubt, stop thinking.
When a person stuck in a job that's causing them great stress, why do they stay?
For me, I stayed because I have a mortgage to pay, job hunting is frustrating, I had built relationships with colleagues and I knew what to expect to a certain extent with the job I was in.
Mostly I stayed in a job which had increased my stress, anxiety and depression levels to the SEVERE, because I have a GREAT fear of the unknown and uncertain.
Until one day I knew I'd had enough and gave notice to my manager that I intended to leave the organisation. I was still left with unknown factors - how will the mortgage and other essential life expenses be paid until I found work, what happens if I don't find work for months? Centrelink.
I did have moments of panic thinking, 'SHIT, WHAT HAVE I DONE?!' However I knew things couldn't have gotten much worse than the way they were.
I continued to see a psych through my Employment Assistance Program to change my thought process. I had been a wreck the first time I saw the psychologist and she was incredibly worried for my wellbeing. I tried to put her at ease reassuring her I wouldn't harm myself, however all she saw was a mess of a person with little to no sense of hope for her future.
By the next session two weeks later, I must have seemed a totally different person. I had confirmed with my manager a "last day" for working and the countdown was on. I still didn't have work to go to - even when my last day came around I became unemployed - yet I knew I was definitely to be free of the work that bound me.
I had jumped without a parachute into the abyss of unknown and somehow landed on a fluffy trampoline cloud.
Somehow I found energy to make application for several jobs each evening for a couple of weeks - addressing individual selection criteria for each - until eventually I slowed down and figured I would let the employers chase me down. So I was unemployed, but accepted casual work for two weeks with promise of a month's work in another couple of weeks if I hadn't found employment in the meantime.
I started dreading having to sign up with Centrelink for welfare payments, I'd been through that as a student and did not want to depend on Centrelink again. But I had no savings, my previous job had barely paid enough to cover even my basic living expenses. Also, most of the jobs I was applying for were delaying in their recruitment process. I am getting calls now offering interviews/jobs up to four months later!! I did call my mortgage provider and was assured I had previously managed to pay a bunch in advance so nothing to worry even if I was unemployed for a couple of months.
By the middle of the first week of so-called "unemployment", I had a job interview. I interviewed non-chalantly with the well-formed idea in my head that I didn't want the job anyway as it was too far from home. The idea of agreeing to attend the interview was to give me more practise in interviewing. So I went with little nerves, cracked jokes, swore a little, replied with brutal honesty. I had nothing to lose.
So I was very confused when the next day I was offered a job. My initial thoughts were along the lines of 'no way! It's too far from home!' Then, 'Maybe I could do it for a period while I figure out my next move. I wonder what the pay was like? They did seem like a lovely bunch of people on the interview panel, maybe it wouldn't be so bad...' I asked for a day to think it over. My sister looked up the employee benefits and I got her to double check that I was reading the salary right.
The next day, I called the Team Leader back, "Of course I'll take the job. I can start in 2 weeks."
So maybe when next I'm faced with grave uncertainty, I'll just blindly jump and hope that trampoline cloud catches me once again. After all, what's the worst that could happen?
For me, I stayed because I have a mortgage to pay, job hunting is frustrating, I had built relationships with colleagues and I knew what to expect to a certain extent with the job I was in.
Mostly I stayed in a job which had increased my stress, anxiety and depression levels to the SEVERE, because I have a GREAT fear of the unknown and uncertain.
Until one day I knew I'd had enough and gave notice to my manager that I intended to leave the organisation. I was still left with unknown factors - how will the mortgage and other essential life expenses be paid until I found work, what happens if I don't find work for months? Centrelink.
I did have moments of panic thinking, 'SHIT, WHAT HAVE I DONE?!' However I knew things couldn't have gotten much worse than the way they were.
I continued to see a psych through my Employment Assistance Program to change my thought process. I had been a wreck the first time I saw the psychologist and she was incredibly worried for my wellbeing. I tried to put her at ease reassuring her I wouldn't harm myself, however all she saw was a mess of a person with little to no sense of hope for her future.
By the next session two weeks later, I must have seemed a totally different person. I had confirmed with my manager a "last day" for working and the countdown was on. I still didn't have work to go to - even when my last day came around I became unemployed - yet I knew I was definitely to be free of the work that bound me.
I had jumped without a parachute into the abyss of unknown and somehow landed on a fluffy trampoline cloud.
Somehow I found energy to make application for several jobs each evening for a couple of weeks - addressing individual selection criteria for each - until eventually I slowed down and figured I would let the employers chase me down. So I was unemployed, but accepted casual work for two weeks with promise of a month's work in another couple of weeks if I hadn't found employment in the meantime.
I started dreading having to sign up with Centrelink for welfare payments, I'd been through that as a student and did not want to depend on Centrelink again. But I had no savings, my previous job had barely paid enough to cover even my basic living expenses. Also, most of the jobs I was applying for were delaying in their recruitment process. I am getting calls now offering interviews/jobs up to four months later!! I did call my mortgage provider and was assured I had previously managed to pay a bunch in advance so nothing to worry even if I was unemployed for a couple of months.
By the middle of the first week of so-called "unemployment", I had a job interview. I interviewed non-chalantly with the well-formed idea in my head that I didn't want the job anyway as it was too far from home. The idea of agreeing to attend the interview was to give me more practise in interviewing. So I went with little nerves, cracked jokes, swore a little, replied with brutal honesty. I had nothing to lose.
So I was very confused when the next day I was offered a job. My initial thoughts were along the lines of 'no way! It's too far from home!' Then, 'Maybe I could do it for a period while I figure out my next move. I wonder what the pay was like? They did seem like a lovely bunch of people on the interview panel, maybe it wouldn't be so bad...' I asked for a day to think it over. My sister looked up the employee benefits and I got her to double check that I was reading the salary right.
The next day, I called the Team Leader back, "Of course I'll take the job. I can start in 2 weeks."
So maybe when next I'm faced with grave uncertainty, I'll just blindly jump and hope that trampoline cloud catches me once again. After all, what's the worst that could happen?
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
On My Own - with all my friends around me.
I am not worried, not afraid, I think I'm ok that I am alone and more than anything prepared to live as independent a life as I can, for as long as possible.
I think I've finally realised that it is so difficult for others to be accepting of a person who lives with such an [at times] debilitating and hindering illness as I do which will affect me and the way I can live my life for the rest of my life. My illness is invisible. My friends and family on the most part are fantastic and as supportive as I can expect of them. I would not function as well as I do if not for the wonderful people in my life.
So although I cannot expect a partner to understand or to live my life with me, I know I will always have the love of the beautiful people who take the time to keep in contact with me.
I know I'm not an easy person. I know that. I often have to cancel plans at little notice, cannot live up to expectations, but I thank my dearest people who do put up with me and don't give up on me. I think one day I will tell you a bit about my journey of finally being diagnosed ... it was at least 10 years of self-doubt, frustration, despondency and most heart-breakingly several failed relationships. People chose to leave as they could not understand why I lacked energy and focus - mostly why I couldn't just 'take a pill and get better'. I don't begrudge them of that, I just wish I had known myself what I was living with, and how it was not my own personal failing.
Through it all, I am who I am and I cannot change that. All I can do is to be the best me I can and to make the most of what I have.
I think I've finally realised that it is so difficult for others to be accepting of a person who lives with such an [at times] debilitating and hindering illness as I do which will affect me and the way I can live my life for the rest of my life. My illness is invisible. My friends and family on the most part are fantastic and as supportive as I can expect of them. I would not function as well as I do if not for the wonderful people in my life.
So although I cannot expect a partner to understand or to live my life with me, I know I will always have the love of the beautiful people who take the time to keep in contact with me.
I know I'm not an easy person. I know that. I often have to cancel plans at little notice, cannot live up to expectations, but I thank my dearest people who do put up with me and don't give up on me. I think one day I will tell you a bit about my journey of finally being diagnosed ... it was at least 10 years of self-doubt, frustration, despondency and most heart-breakingly several failed relationships. People chose to leave as they could not understand why I lacked energy and focus - mostly why I couldn't just 'take a pill and get better'. I don't begrudge them of that, I just wish I had known myself what I was living with, and how it was not my own personal failing.
Through it all, I am who I am and I cannot change that. All I can do is to be the best me I can and to make the most of what I have.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Love and so-called friendship...
I'm finding it extremely difficult to write an essay on "the best kinds of love" when my own love is no longer requited and has been forcibly silenced.
I am very much in love with a man I had a former companionate relationship with. To me this is the best love - after passionate love diminishes, there is still a lasting companionate love that is difficult to quit. I still can't quit it.
So I think of the age old question - 'Is it better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?'
Assuming I would always be in love with that man, I would always and indeed did always say way better to have loved and lost (by way of death at old age) - To feel the joy, pleasure and passion - than to never have that experience.
I am very much in love with a man I had a former companionate relationship with. To me this is the best love - after passionate love diminishes, there is still a lasting companionate love that is difficult to quit. I still can't quit it.
So I think of the age old question - 'Is it better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?'
Assuming I would always be in love with that man, I would always and indeed did always say way better to have loved and lost (by way of death at old age) - To feel the joy, pleasure and passion - than to never have that experience.
Now the enjoyment, pleasure and happiness are replaced by pain, loss, anguish and huge feelings of depression, I am not so sure love is worth the possible and usually inevitable bitterness once the love and relationship ends for whatever reason.
So the best love? One that never has the possibility of dying - the one that is never allowed to blossom. One that never is.
This may sound negative, bitter and wrought with the pain of a broken heart. It is certainly true that I have the pain of a broken heart but this comes from LOT of thought and contemplation, from some experience and from a semester's worth of reading about love, relationships and friendship.
So I propose that those who have not found love yet please don't rush out for it. There is pain from loving and TOO MUCH. Whether it be during the relationship - being cheated on, or not living up to each other's expectations, or whatever reason at all.
For those that have lasted through that and have their 36 years of so called blissful partnership of marriage, they too will have to eventually have to endure losing their spouse and be left miserable and alone.
So what then? Either learn to live alone now and celebrate with MANY friends rather than one single partner OR have the one person until they die and then have to learn to live alone.
Indeed I AM bitter but I have been hanging on to this for months and I needed it out.
This is why after 9 hours of trying to write the aforementioned essay, I still cannot get the words out. How am I supposed to believe in the goodness of love anymore?
The best kind of love... The love that is until it is no longer and too late to go back. The love you never realised you had until it is out of reach.
So love stinks but if given the chance to go back, I would. I definitely would. I'm just not so eager to start with someone new. It is either the man I still love or just me. And that's going to have to work.
Thankyou
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Now playing: Tegan & Sara - Call It Off
via FoxyTunes
Monday, October 8, 2007
25 years of emoticons
"Scott Fahlman, the scientist from Carnegie Mellon University in the US, launched the first emoticon into cyberspace. He posted it on an electronic message board 25 years ago and it's been popping up on computer screens and mobile phones ever since.
"Fahlman's scientific work focuses on how word patterns are formed in the brain so it's not surprising that the first smiley he sent was an attempt to make electronic communication simpler and clearer.
... "Fahlman invented three smilies - the funny one, a frowning :-( version with down-turned mouth, and the winking ;-) smiley. It didn't take long before other creative minds produced a smiley wearing glasses, a Santa Claus smiley and even an Abraham Lincoln smiley.
... "Fahlman was the first to give the smile an electronic twist. Thanks to him millions of people do just that as they lean over to read the sideways smiling face. And from that angle the whole world looks pretty funny. "
BY Peter McClelland (STM p10, 7th October, 2007)
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Now playing: Tegan and Sara - Knife Going In
via FoxyTunes
"Fahlman's scientific work focuses on how word patterns are formed in the brain so it's not surprising that the first smiley he sent was an attempt to make electronic communication simpler and clearer.
... "Fahlman invented three smilies - the funny one, a frowning :-( version with down-turned mouth, and the winking ;-) smiley. It didn't take long before other creative minds produced a smiley wearing glasses, a Santa Claus smiley and even an Abraham Lincoln smiley.
... "Fahlman was the first to give the smile an electronic twist. Thanks to him millions of people do just that as they lean over to read the sideways smiling face. And from that angle the whole world looks pretty funny. "
BY Peter McClelland (STM p10, 7th October, 2007)
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Now playing: Tegan and Sara - Knife Going In
via FoxyTunes
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